With the holiday season in full swing, many find themselves drowning in a tide of shopping lists, party invitations, and the relentless push to make everything perfect. The pressure can feel overwhelming, and the question of whether we can truly unplug and enjoy time with family looms large.
Niro Feliciano, a main mentally psychotherapist and TODAY contributor, argues that the very notion of a flawless holiday is a source of stress that should be abandoned. She encourages readers to rethink the season and focus on what truly matters.
Her latest book, All Is Calmish, centers on a simple yet powerful mantra: ‘Connection over perfection.’ In a conversation with TODAY.com, Feliciano explains that this phrase has become a guiding principle for her own holiday approach. She emphasizes that the mantra helps her navigate the chaos and maintain emotional balance. Readers who adopt this perspective often find themselves more relaxed and content.
She says that when she keeps those three words—connection over perfection—in mind, she can quickly let go of less important details. ‘It’s amazing how quickly I am able to let go of less important things when I keep those three words (connection over perfection) in mind,’ she notes. By consciously focusing on connection, she reduces the mental clutter that typically accompanies holiday preparations. This shift allows her to appreciate simple moments with family and friends.
Feliciano points out that during the holidays, meaningful connection is often the missing piece. The busyness of decorating, buying, and baking leaves little room for real interaction, she says.
To counter this, she advises choosing specific moments to slow down and prioritize connection. She encourages simplifying tasks where possible to stay present with loved ones. She believes that these intentional pauses can transform a hectic gathering into a memorable gathering. The practice encourages deeper conversations and shared laughter.
Her recommendations are backed by research, notably the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has tracked participants for 85 years. The study offers extensive evidence on the benefits of social connection for overall well‑being.
One key finding from that data shows that feeling satisfied with relationships at age 50 is more strongly correlated with good physical health at age 80 than cholesterol levels. This underscores the long‑term impact of relational satisfaction. The research suggests that nurturing relationships early in life can have protective health effects decades later. This insight challenges the common focus on physical metrics alone.
Loneliness remains a widespread issue in the United States, with significant health consequences ranging from depression to heart disease to dementia. Feliciano highlights these statistics to illustrate the stakes.
‘These numbers speak for themselves. Connection protects us, fulfills us, and keeps us alive,’ Feliciano writes in the book. She frames connection as a vital health resource. Feliciano’s message is clear: prioritizing social bonds is not optional but essential for longevity. She urges readers to act before loneliness erodes well‑being.
Her first practical tip is to ‘slow down’ and intentionally choose moments during the holidays to focus on connection over perfection. For example, she suggests setting out platters for an event rather than preparing an elaborate meal, allowing people to enjoy each other’s company instead of fussing over food.
Feliciano also shares what she personally enjoys during the season. For her, the annual white elephant game with close friends creates laughter and genuine connection through vulnerability, making the holiday feel less stressful. Such activities remind us that joy can be found in simple, shared experiences. They serve as antidotes to the relentless pressure to perform.
Key Takeaways
- The mantra ‘Connection over perfection’ helps reduce holiday stress.
- Long‑term health benefits are linked to early relational satisfaction.
- Simple actions like platters or a white‑elephant game foster meaningful connection.
The article invites readers to reframe their holiday mindset, prioritizing presence and connection over the pursuit of perfection.
